Pat Tagliavia

15 January 2008 @ 06:22 pm

I lost my license today. That is, I realized today that I lost it. I'm not really sure what happened to it. I think I left it at Denice's. Anyway, I had a meltdown over it because you pretty much don't exist and can't legally breathe without your license. Rather than going crazy looking for it or waiting for it to turn up at Denice's house, I decided to go down to the DOL and replace it, which catalyzed yet another freak-out because what the DOL says officially on their website is that you have to have a billion forms of "alternate" ID, and I fell slightly short of having a billion forms of ID. Apparently that's only their policy for Mexicans though, because she only wanted my birth certificate, and after taking what has to be my best best ID photograph ever, I was on my way.

While at the DOL I was able to see all the pictures of me that they've taken over the years. I look so incredibly different now. I was really amazed. Those pictures are pretty much the only pictures of me that exist, so it was really an interesting experience.

I'm dropping two of my classes at GRCC. They're not going to work out for me, so rather than having an unduly excessive amount of faith in myself and fucking up my transcript, I'm going to take the partial refund and run. All of my credits hitherto will transfer to Evergreen, so if I don't have my AA by the time fall rolls around, then so be it, I'll just get the last few credits for my AA there.

Today sucked. It was one of those days where I realized very early on that I should not have left the house at all.

I'm not sure how to reconcile my issues with education. I feel so outside of everything.

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14 January 2008 @ 01:39 pm

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No update in a while. Hm. A lot is new, but most of it boils down to nothing.

I'm applying to Evergreen for the Fall Quarter of '08, and after much flip-flopping on the issue I've decided that I'm going to go ahead take out monstrous student loans and get a place there with my own room, instead of living here with my mom and commuting for (at least) the first year. I was concerned that because I'm such a neat freak and spend so much time cooking that I would go nuts living with other people and sharing a kitchen, but if I can avoid rooming with someone then I'll have my own sphere, and no one else my age is going to use a kitchen for anything other than making top ramen anyway.

Fuck. Actually, I'm still not sure about this. I really do like having my own space. The cost of housing (and my student loans) is really secondary to this issue of having my own space and needing to live in an environment that I control. The only thing that even allows me to be indecisive about this is the commute; I really want to live right next to the campus so I can immerse myself in the experience. I guess I'll figure it all out.

It's the third week of winter quarter right now. I like my classes (well, two out of three), but I feel like they're going really slow and not offering much in the way of real intellectual growth. Particularly in my comparative religion class, I feel like there's a lot of substance in the course content with really profound implications, but we're not discussing it and making the deeper connections that really enable a higher degree of learning to take place. Also, there's not a lot of room for students to interact, which is slightly demoralizing in the context of learning. I think I'm just at a point in my intellectual development where I need to be at a university. I've gotten about as much out of community college as I can. Things are still good, I'm just in the twilight of my time at GRCC.

In other news, Melissa and I are no longer speaking. I made it official a few days ago. I know that I wasn't a saint when she and I were in a relationship, but what had been happening between us for the last several months wasn't at all okay. I've owed it to myself to do this, and I'm glad that I was finally able to do what I knew I had to do in order to be a strong person. For the most part I'd say that I'm over everything, though there are still moments where not being connected anymore to someone that I was so intimately connected with is really surreal, and I think that will remain for a long time. Being "over it" doesn't mean that I'm not still hurt though, and I am struggling a little bit with feeling used and unwanted and associating sex with emotional abuse, which is still at times overwhelming, but I think I'll work through it internally and let go of things with time, especially as I have positive romantic experiences.

I've been getting out a lot and meeting new people this past month. In the scheme of things since the last time I made an entry, this has been the most significant thing to happen to me, but I don't have much to say about it. It's been really good for me and I hope to continue this trend.

For the past few weeks I've been eating like a rabbit that occasionally eats chicken and have gotten back into an exercise routine, so I feel really good physically. I've lost some weight so I'm fluctuating between 153-156 as opposed to my normal 159-162, but I think that as I lose fat and gain muscle I'll probably go back up to around 159.

I get my tattoo in two days. I'm really excited about it. Or, as I keep saying, I'm "fuckin' stoked" about it.

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14 November 2007 @ 03:38 am

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I've decided that I'm taking out student loans and applying to Evergreen for Spring Quarter. I'm really relieved to have made this decision. This is going to be the best thing for me. I'm really excited and maybe a little scared.

Tomorrow I have a consultation in Seattle for a tattoo. I'm really stoked about it. It's been awhile since I've been tattooed or pierced.

Laser hair removal next week. They have a new laser that makes things a little less painful and makes the treatments shorter. Also, I'll be using a prescription strength topical numbing agent which should ensure that the pain is more manageable, which I am really excited about.

Me and my dad were supposed to have lunch today, but upon pulling out of my driveway I discovered I had a flat. My dad came right down and had the tire fixed, but we didn't have time for lunch so he just gave me a hundred dollars and a hug and that was the end of that. While Thai food would have been nice, I really can't complain about getting a wad of cash and not having to drive anywhere.

I really miss Melissa right now. I wish I could change things.

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06 November 2007 @ 06:18 pm

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All my midterms are over now. Yay!

I need to resolve to keep up with all the Hanzi Chinese characters for the rest of the quarter. I wasn't satisfied with my reading proficiency on the midterm because of this. In my English Humanities class I just need to keep doing what I've been doing for the rest of the quarter; I absolutely love that class. In Biology I need to be extra attentive on lab-work because I'm carrying my lab-group, but I'm doing fine otherwise. Everything gets easier after this quarter.

The last two weeks of October were emotionally strenuous and I think I'm just now getting back to my norm.

I've been thinking a lot about my future and what I want to do and the way in which people from my generation are experiencing their transition into real adulthood and what my place is in all this and what life has in store for me, etc.

I recently discovered that a local grocery store sells Soy Protein Isolate for dirt cheap. I am so. Incredibly. Excited. By this. No more overpriced protein powder with non-carbohydrate based or synthetic sweeteners that are so not good for you.

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31 October 2007 @ 10:29 pm

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Several people have come up to me over the past few days and said something to the effect of "You know, of all the colors I've seen you with, I think I like the black the best." OKAY, OKAY! I GET IT! Hahaha. So, my hair is back in black by popular demand.

I haven't made an entry in a while so naturally this one is going to be about the things that really matter in life, like what color one's hair is.

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18 October 2007 @ 08:21 am

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I'm sick and it sucks a little bit, but I'm hoping to be over it like today or tomorrow. It seems like my body is having a really mild reaction to it. If I could just get a really high fever for a couple of hours that would be sweet, but no such luck.

My classes are still going really well, but I haven't had as much time to study for Chinese this week as I'd like because being sick has made me spend what would ordinarily be my free time sleeping.

I have a crush on a professor. It's kinda fun, makes the day more interesting. She's cute, smart, and has a good sense of black humor; how could I resist?

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11 October 2007 @ 10:56 pm

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Less than half an hour after receiving a text message from someone about it being national coming out day I see this guy standing on a small platform right off the freeway at a busy intersection with a bible in one hand and a megaphone in the other wearing a wooden sign that said something to the effect of "He who partakes in homosexuality sins against his creator."

At least there is symmetry, haha.

As if that wasn't funny enough there was a woman standing 10 feet away from him holding sign that said "Boyfriend kicked me out. Need money."

So Auburn. I had a good laugh.

Today was a phenomenally good day. It was the one day a week when I have class from 10:00am-4:35pm, plus work. Every hour was very productive and I didn't feel lethargic or slothful at any time, which makes any long day better. I have this satisfying soreness throughout my body from constantly being occupied with something demanding, and my brain is more than ready to digest the day in its sleep. I did a lot of socializing today too, more than usual, despite being busy. I just couldn't be more content with this day.

My classes are going well this quarter. Of the three exams I've had so far I've received above 95% on all of them. Chinese is really getting interesting so I'm starting to take everything in voraciously. The first two weeks I didn't really like the way it sounded, and I couldn't distinguish between the tones, the pronunciation was hard, and I had a tough time remembering the vocabulary; I just didn't have much of a passion for it. Now everything is coming together and I'm really enjoying it. I look forward to studying for that class.

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06 October 2007 @ 10:48 pm

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Today I went clothes shopping and bought a pair of pants that actually fit me and have nice wash, as well as a cute tee-shirt and a hoodie. In the world of Pat that is an amazingly successful shopping trip.

I went food shopping today. It's nice to be in complete control of what I'm putting into my body and when I can buy it again.

I recently discovered and introduced into my diet Quinoa, which is a type of grain that has an unusually high protein value and contains more essential amino acids than most grains do, making it a more complete source of nutrition. Apparently it was an important crop in South America because unlike maize, which has to be mixed with beans to provide adequate protein, Quinoa is balanced by itself. I love it when I learn new things like this. Quinoa is delicious. I just started putting it in my cereal and soon I'm going to make a rice pilaf using it.

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05 October 2007 @ 02:15 pm

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This is only the end of the second week of the quarter, but it feels like much more time has elapsed. I am still fresh and eager but I feel so comfortable and familiar with this quarter in a way that I typically don't until much later.

I think the familiarity comes from feeling a certain continuity between last October and this October. I've written about it before with little success in capturing my thoughts. A lot of the things which defined last year are now absent from my life, largely for the better. My transcript is one of the few tangible things that proves that last year happened at all.

Last year was like a restless dream in the night. Upon waking the following morning I remember it for a moment, but so much is fleeting. As the strange, lingering feeling fades I think, "I am ready for today."

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02 October 2007 @ 12:03 pm

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My room is finished with the exception of a few small things. I'll probably have everything in by tonight. I'm starting to feel settled.

This has been an incredibly busy week but I feel really good about it.

I had my orientation today so I'll start working tomorrow. I need to decide if I'm going to work in the writing center or not. I'd really like the experience but I don't want to overburden myself.

With it being Fall Quarter again I feel like I've come full circle in my life, but I'm older and wiser and more mature and more. . . cute? Haha. Last October held so much for me.

I feel that the same change is brewing right now. It's a good thing.

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01 October 2007 @ 09:27 am

Fresh Paint

I moved out this weekend. I managed to get all of my things friday evening minus a small bookcase and some free-weights. What's more is that I managed to get it all by myself using only my Maxima. I feel like I broke the laws of physics moving my bed and dresser.

On saturday and sunday I painted my room. The walls are a faint lime and the trim is a soft olive green. It's very soothing. The olive sounds like it would be terrible, but it's actually pleasant. Overall I'm really pleased. The colors aren't too bright, but they still pop while simultaneously maintaining a soothing milieu.

My living room is still filled with my disassembled things, so I'll spend a decent part of the afternoon and the evening getting everything together again. I should be settled by tonight.

In other news I'm going to start working at GRCC soon. I'm also going to see about doing some time in the afternoon as a tutor in the writing center.

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24 September 2007 @ 04:39 pm

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Today was the first day of Fall quarter. The weather was perfect. I'm so stoked about everything right now. I'm taking Introductory Biology, Writing: Humanities, and Chinese 101.

Parking is pretty much non-existent right now. The campus parking was completely full so the security staff were telling everyone to go park at the raceway. That has never happened in all the time I've been going to GRCC. I think I'll just continue to park at the raceway in the future. That will save a lot of gas because I'll pretty much only have to do freeway driving. It will also cut down on the amount of walking I have to do, which is nice.

My teachers are all very cool. I made sure to read about them on MySpace when I registered for Fall quarter. They're all very good at what they do. That always helps make the quarter more pleasant.

Because of the parking situation I was late and missed the roll call in Biology. Consequently, when I came into class my professor had no idea what my name was. I was the only person in the front row so I was somewhat on display. In the process of lecturing the professor referred to me as "Miss" and "Ma'am" like a billion times, which was a little uncomfortable because I have a few friends in the class that I met during Summer quarter, but they just looked sympathetic. The class is really full; there are like fifty people in the class. It's in the new Science Center building which is all sorts of spiffy. I was really surprised at how people I worked with in groups were so totally unperturbed by him referring to me as a woman despite them knowing that I'm a guy. I didn't really realize it until today because I've been out of school for awhile but I'm very androgynous right now, which I of course am totally down with. I'll have to e-mail him or something though because he's going to feel really awkward the next time he does roll and I don't want him to have to deal with that. There are 4 people in the class that I knew previously, so I'm really looking forward to the class.

English is going to be my favorite course, I can tell. The class is really small -only twelve people- which is a nice contrast to my biology class just before it. The teacher is amazing though. Honestly, I didn't remember until today whether I had signed up for the Social Science or Humanities writing class. As it turns out I'm in Writing: Humanities and I'm very pleased about it. I need a little break from the social sciences. I want to read classics and study poetry and feel creative and not think about things like how social institutions oppress minorities. I'm a little burnt out on the inherent cynicism and negativity inherent to social sciences. I think Humanities is actually my academic weakness right now despite my growing interest in all things humanities, so I think I can afford to not take Social Science writing for now.

Because I attempted to take Biology over the summer online, and Chinese 101 several years ago I think I'm going to get back about 300.00$ worth of books. Needless to say, I'm thrilled. I wasn't sure if the books would still be the same so I went ahead and ordered them all online last night, but fortunately they are the same so I think I'm going to go clothes shopping with some of the money.

Amber is going to GRCC again at the same time as me so I'll be seeing her around more. Ashley is in my biology class, which is kinda cool because I've never taken a class with her before.

All in all I have a very good feeling about this year. I'm so happy to be around people and learning again. I think Summer quarter really helped me get the momentum I need to carry me through the rest of my AA degree. I'm starting to see how close I am to being done and moving on to bigger and better things.

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